I will remember the way her head rests on my chest when she gets shy near other people. I will remember the high pitched coos and squeals of delight that come out when she sees her favorite toys. I will remember how tiny she was the day we brought her home from the hospital and how unprepared I felt to care for such a precious baby. I had tried to imagine what it would be like to bring our little girl home, but I just couldn't... I had no idea how incredible it would really be.
I will remember the cuddles of a four pound newborn who slept best on my chest, nuzzled up under my chin. I will remember the first time she smiled and the first little baby chuckles in her sleep. I will remember how her eyes light up when she sees me and how she always signs milk at me with a big smile on her face. I will remember the way she waves at anyone and everyone. If you're not looking, she will continue waving at you until you do look, grunting for acknowledgment. I will remember her concerned a-goos when I run the food processor. She has always been an inquisitive and thoughtful soul.
I will remember her happy yells of dadadada when she hears the door open and knows her daddy is home. I will remember her sleepy content sighs as I lay her down in her crib for a nap and she rolls over to her tummy to snuggle her favorite monkey, Zeke. I will remember how she constantly waved her arms around when she was laid on her back to play as a newborn.
I will remember how often I looked down at her face when she was nursing and it was like looking at a picture I have in my head of Owen on the day he was born. They have such sweet resemblances to each other and though sometimes it hurts to see those similarities, I am so thankful they look so much alike and I am so thankful for them both.
When I think about the past year, I see the faithfulness of a God who loves me more than I deserve. I can still remember how inept I felt that first diaper change at home. And how afraid I still was after 35 weeks of a terrifying pregnancy. I thought I would leave so many fears at the hospital, but I brought them home with us and have been struggling with them ever since. God has been so faithful and loving to us, despite how I keep dragging out old fears and how I doubt his love most every day.
Years from now when Hannah Mae is a grown woman and I am an old woman, I know that when I think back on Hannah Mae's first year in our arms, I will remember the sweet faithfulness of our Father in Heaven.