Friday, September 16, 2011


You're free and that's all I'm trying to say. If you weren't free then Jesus wouldn't be who he says he is.

Yesterday I got into a little discussion about asking God 'why?' and his sovereignty. I left feeling so sad and perplexed. I stepped into the discussion because I felt like the freedom of the Gospel wasn't being clearly displayed. And I never want anyone to feel like (especially after something difficult like a death of a loved one) there is no freedom to ask God 'why?' or to go to the Father with our questions.
We have such great freedom to go to our Father in Heaven and sit in his lap and cry our eyes out asking 'why?'
He loves us. 

Yes, when Jesus comes back and makes all things right, there may not be a single question on our lips. It may not matter at all why. And the whys may be a part of God's secret things that we can never know.
But... but that doesn't mean that at some point in our lives those questions aren't important to us. Those questions can pull us into a deeper relationship with God. They can cause us to run to him and fall into his lap, a sacred place.

It is by the Holy Spirit that the burning we feel from the questions starts to fade. It is not by someone telling us not to ask, just to 'let go and let God'. It is not by someone who tells us that the why is not for us to know. There is great freedom to ask why... to ask anything. It's true, we may never get an answer. We may never feel a peace about the why.
And if there is no answer, no peace about the whys.... in the end, we're still sitting in his lap, talking to our Father and we can find peace and rest in who He is.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Late night thoughts

Safe and sound.

I hear the words echo in the air. They bounce off me at first, but shoot back only to sink in deep.
She's talking about another baby's happy birth, and I think about how the person saying those words never said a word to me about how my baby wasn't born safe and sound. Well, not in this world anyway.

I shut my eyes.

"Don't be like that." I hear a soft voice whisper.

I won't, I vow. I won't be like that. I promise I'll never let a baby's quiet birth shock me into silence. I'll never dress up gossip as concern or try to pass off silence as solemn courtesy. I'll never...

I pull at my hair and start to feel sick. The Ache is there too, always there. I look at my hands and feel them go a little numb. I wonder if I'm getting the meaning all wrong. "Don't be like that."
The Ache settled in my chest three and a half years ago, and I can feel its restless prowling tonight. Maybe it is a brick or a stone, and sometimes I don't even mind it being there.
I open my eyes and start to wonder if it's time to let the bitterness go. "Don't be like that."

I roll over, reach up to turn the light off and try in vain to turn my thoughts off just as easily.

Friday, September 2, 2011


A lot of sweet and fun memories from this summer... things that make me happy.

Seeing Hannah Mae's personality get bigger and bigger. She's a ham, for sure.

Being there for her first steps and watching proudly as she discovers a whole new world.

Just keeping it real... we had a lot of fussing this summer too. She's an independent girl and knows what she wants and doesn't want. 

Hanging out with my best friend.

Teaching Hannah Mae how gross goats are. : )

Discovering the joy and mess of self-feeding.

Getting to see Sara again and hold precious Levi for the first time. What a sweet time it was.

Cleaning up the living room floor after Hannah goes to bed. I'm so thankful for a room full of toys strewn on the floor.

Going on Hannah Mae's first ride on a carousel. 

Teaching Hannah my love of gymnastics... and the balance beam.

Getting to walk the streets of our hometown with our daughter.

Discovering that Hannah Mae may not be the water baby that her brother was. She was not a fan of the baby pool.

Watching Hannah snuggle all the animals she could while visiting home.

Two words.... gloriously refreshing. 
Such a wonderful time with two great friends.

Taking Hannah Mae to the place where her parents had their first date.

 Visiting with Tonya for an entire day (!), though not long enough at all. 

Spending time with my grandmama, Hannah's Little Mama. She hates being called that, but it's a sweet joke that I can't let go of, so she's officially 'Little Mama'. : )

Watching Hannah Mae get licked in the face by her favorite cousin dog, Bella.

Making Hannah's Mae's first height mark at my mom's house; just like I did with my grandparents. 

Watching Hannah Mae discover how water comes out of a hose. Lots of water in the face!

Chris buying Hannah Mae her first purse and seeing how natural it was for her to carry it around on her arm- such a girly girl we have. I don't carry my purse like that at all, and I didn't teach her. : )

Remembering how this summer started with our baby not yet walking... now she's such a big girl!

Busy making dinner in the kitchen only to turn around and see this at my feet. I still have no idea what she was doing, but she got a kick out of it!

This summer had so many difficult points to it, and times when I thought I might stress myself into an absolute tizzy. But I don't want to forget all the happy things we did together and how much fun we did have. It was a great summer.
So long, farewell Summer days!