Saturday, September 10, 2011

Late night thoughts

Safe and sound.

I hear the words echo in the air. They bounce off me at first, but shoot back only to sink in deep.
She's talking about another baby's happy birth, and I think about how the person saying those words never said a word to me about how my baby wasn't born safe and sound. Well, not in this world anyway.

I shut my eyes.

"Don't be like that." I hear a soft voice whisper.

I won't, I vow. I won't be like that. I promise I'll never let a baby's quiet birth shock me into silence. I'll never dress up gossip as concern or try to pass off silence as solemn courtesy. I'll never...

I pull at my hair and start to feel sick. The Ache is there too, always there. I look at my hands and feel them go a little numb. I wonder if I'm getting the meaning all wrong. "Don't be like that."
The Ache settled in my chest three and a half years ago, and I can feel its restless prowling tonight. Maybe it is a brick or a stone, and sometimes I don't even mind it being there.
I open my eyes and start to wonder if it's time to let the bitterness go. "Don't be like that."

I roll over, reach up to turn the light off and try in vain to turn my thoughts off just as easily.


Sara said...

I love you Ebe... still so much to process hey? Longing for the day when we are reunited with our boys and sharing Heaven with them and our Savior Jesus... Come Lord Jesus COme! Miss you!

Mary Anne Morgan said...

I can feel your pain through your words. I pray the God of all comfort will comfort you this night. Oh how He loves you. You are right, someday all things will be made right. Having lost a child of my own, I look forward to that day also.
Thanks for stopping by my blog this week.:)

Blessings to you,
Mary Anne