We're back home after our trip south. There were fun times, hard times, good times and some chipping times too. Whatever that means.
Once someone you love is missing, there is not a single thing that can remain the same. Something shifts. Life shifts and everything changes. You change. Sometimes it's easy to see and sometimes no one else can know the changes within...
Unless you ask... but then again, you have to be willing to hear the answer. And willing to leave it, because there is no fixing it. Whatever it is.
This may sound so depressing, but believe me, it's not all depressing. God is faithful and loving and generous with grace and mercy. After all that's occurred in the four years since Owen's death, I'm not sure I would or could change anything concerning my grief. Not the angry outbursts with God or my husband, not the tear stained floors, not the pounding-on-the-steering-wheel rage, not the eight months I went without going to church.
Nothing could change God's love for me. Nothing I said or did or thought or asked. Nothing.
There was no fixing me. There was no solution or regime that would make me better. And I know, I know, that's hard to take. But it's the truth.
Something shifts. Life shifts and everything changes. God came. He came, he whispered, he loved, he cradled my brokenness and slowly the healing came.
Healing that didn't cause Owen's death to make sense, healing that didn't change my feelings of sadness or grief, but healing that showed me who my God was and is and is to come.