Friday, January 6, 2012

Chipped

My nails are a happy bright red, just starting to chip around the edges but happy nonetheless. Me too, I think. 
We're back home after our trip south. There were fun times, hard times, good times and some chipping times too. Whatever that means.

Once someone you love is missing, there is not a single thing that can remain the same. Something shifts. Life shifts and everything changes. You change. Sometimes it's easy to see and sometimes no one else can know the changes within...
Unless you ask... but then again, you have to be willing to hear the answer. And willing to leave it, because there is no fixing it. Whatever it is.

This may sound so depressing, but believe me, it's not all depressing. God is faithful and loving and generous with grace and mercy. After all that's occurred in the four years since Owen's death, I'm not sure I would or could change anything concerning my grief. Not the angry outbursts with God or my husband, not the tear stained floors, not the pounding-on-the-steering-wheel rage, not the eight months I went without going to church. 
Nothing could change God's love for me. Nothing I said or did or thought or asked. Nothing.

There was no fixing me. There was no solution or regime that would make me better. And I know, I know, that's hard to take. But it's the truth. 

Something shifts. Life shifts and everything changes. God came. He came, he whispered, he loved, he cradled my brokenness and slowly the healing came. 
Healing that didn't cause Owen's death to make sense, healing that didn't change my feelings of sadness or grief, but healing that showed me who my God was and is and is to come.

5 comments:

Sara said...

Ebe, Thank you for posting that... I am struggling with so many things... so many ways that I have changed, will never be the same, so many who don't get that, so many who judge, so many crazy emotions. I love you... thanks for reminding me I am not alone... miss you!

Beth said...

Thank you for writing this. I lost my first and only child, Eve, in November, and I have really been struggling with who God is and what all this pain means. This was just what I needed to read. Much love to you and your family.

Kathy said...

Ebe, I know we are two strong women and without God in our life we could do nothing. After reading this post all you said is so true. You know after my son Zackary went to Heaven in 2003 everything did change and no one understands until they know how you and I and others feel when someone is missing.

Just as I was slowly healing my daughter Angie went to Heaven in 2009. It seems like I am at the bottom again.

You know I know without God's grace and mercy I could not go on. I need healing, that healing because I know their is no fixing it.

Thank you so much for writing this and your Blogging.
Kathy

Emily said...

Hi! I still read your blog regularly : ) We are well. We have Eli who is 14 months old. He has brought so much joy back to our lives. Like you wrote in this post, we have no answers, no making sense of what happened, but healing has sneaked in over time, slowly.

heather ryan morse said...

love!