Monday, February 27, 2012

Hope, again

Sometimes I get in such a funky mood. I don't want to do anything or talk to anyone or even be anywhere. I'll wander from room to room, picking up things (the watering can, budget materials, keys, coats) and putting them back down some place else. I'll open a book only to close it five minutes later. I'll get out the computer and open up window after window looking for... I have no idea.

I guess the word is restless. I feel restless.

I haven't read my Bible in a few days and I can tell my feet aren't grounded. I feel a little floaty inside, and it manifests itself on the outside too.

Below is a post I wrote almost three years ago. I'm thankful it's still true. I'm thankful that God is always the same, never restless, never changing and we can always hope in HIM.

It started the day we found out Owen was dead.

It will be better in time. You'll have more babies. It gets easier. You're still young, you can have more. Time heals all wounds. 

Everything people offered me was hopeless. Time does not heal. Grief's burden does not get easier to carry. Having a child that lives will in no way replace Owen or take my grief away. Maybe I will never deliver a living child and being young certainly does not guarantee a body that is able to carry a child to term.

I found no hope in their words, all except one.

Jesus loves you. He loves you is what my pastor boldly proclaimed to me at Owen's funeral.

16 months later I am able to say, boldly and without shame,
Yes. Yes, He does. And in this, we have great hope.

I cannot hope in time, for in time more suffering may come. I cannot place my hope in having living children. I cannot hope for a reprieve from suffering on this earth, because I will always be disappointed. If I place my hope in something that is passing, something easily shaken, then when it fails- where will I turn?

But if we place our hope in the Lord, we will never be disappointed because He is unchanging.

And we will have great hope.
Hope that we will never be abandoned. Hope that when everything else is gone, He will never forsake us. Hope that when I leave this earthly home, I have a Heavenly home waiting for me.

Hope that one day...ALL THINGS WILL BE MADE RIGHT.

Monday, February 20, 2012

7 things

1. Have I mentioned I like lists? I made a Master List yesterday. Are you laughing yet?

2. Hannah Mae had a virus over the weekend and spent the majority of her time whining, feeling yucky and laying around with her mama. She is such a sweet little thing. Every time I put her down to bed, I would tell her that I loved her and that she could call out mama if she needed me. Her little voice answered back 'tay' (okay) every time.

3. Trader Joe's new Quinoa and Black Bean Tortilla Chips with salsa is a perfect snack. I'm licking my fingers as I type.

4. Every other Monday morning we have a family date. Two weeks ago we went to the zoo and the history museum. We got to ride the carousel for free. We were the only ones on the ride, so Hannah had her pick of animals. She choose the Horse. But once we took a look at the name of the animal at the top, it turned out to be the Wild Ass. This morning we made a leisurely trip to the mall. Chris and I both had vouchers for free coffee at Starbucks, so it was a perfectly lazy morning.

5. I received a new plant yesterday. Made my day. And the couple who brought it over, they're pretty great too.

6. I have been buying whole chickens for roasting once a week. Once I got over the fear of a whole raw bird, it has become one of my favorite meals. And I'm slowly getting over the bones and 'stuff'. Homemade bone broth is also a great benefit to buying a whole bird. It is amazingly delicious, healthy and so easy. Seriously, I never would have thought that a former vegetarian with a fear of raw meat could tackle such a feat.

7. I cleaned out one of our hall closets this afternoon. It was pretty funny how good it felt when I finished rearranging screwdrivers, outlet covers and spare extension cords. I also found our lost battery supply. Um, anyone out there need some batteries? ; ) Oh, I need to add- this one was actually on my list to begin with.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

List making

I like lists. No, scratch that. I love lists. I like jotting down things I need to do, or want to do, or absolutely have to do. I like marking them off one by one and I like the sense of accomplishment I feel when I do.

With that being said... I am a procrastinator. I sometimes feel very overwhelmed by the number of items on my list. And I freeze. I simply stop doing what's on my list and start doing anything and everything but what's on my list... and then later adding those tasks to my list and marking them off right after adding them. 


And with that being said... there are some pretty important things on my list these days. I need to do them.  And I do really want to do them, but I'm finding myself overwhelmed and a little frozen. 

Will you pray for us? I know it's kind of cryptic and weird to ask for prayer about items on a to-do list, but ultimately these are life changing 'items' and I'm feeling kind of stuck-ish. 

We also have some big decisions to make soon about our future and it's all pretty (you guessed it) overwhelming. 

"And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn of the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. " Colossians 1:17-18

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Love is

It seemed appropriate for Valentine's Day to write a post about love. Here are 7 things I have learned about love.

1. Love is messy. Not 'vomit on me and I'll still cuddle you anyways' love or even 'sure you can use my toothbrush' love, although those things are true in this house. Love is messy because people are messy. And two people can't really love each other without showing each other everything, giving each other everything and sharing everything with one another. Two becomes one and that is messy. 

2. Love is silly. In our home, love is dancing in the kitchen after dinner. Silly, fun, crazy dancing. Love is silly faces we make at each other when we're trying to be mad at the other one. Love is silly songs made up to make the other one laugh, and silly voices to boot.

3. Love is crazy. I mean, really. It's crazy. We have bound ourselves to one another, knowing full well that the other one is crazy and weird and completely incapable of keeping the vows we made to each other on our wedding day. 

4. Love is sacrifice. Sacrificing time, energy, your favorite television show, your fear of raw meat because your husband is a crazy carnivore, your idea of what 'life' should be because he's called to ministry and therefore so are you.

5. Love is work. It is hard work loving someone else, and it's not always fun or glamorous. It's not only cleaning up after someone who has his own ideas of what clean is; it's choosing to listen to what's really going on instead of assuming the worst when something goes awry. It's work to love an imperfect person and it doesn't always feel like love. 

6. Love is a choice. Every day, it's a choice. Am I going to show love to this imperfect and sometimes infuriating spouse of mine? Am I going to choose to look beyond today's grievances and see the man/woman that God sees and loves?

7. Love is humbling. Humbling because you'll never get it right, you'll never be the husband/wife you desire to be. You'll never be able to love him/her completely selflessly or do all things with a servant heart. 

But love isn't about being perfect. Love is about commitment when that 'loving feeling' is waning, repentance when we're wrong, forgiveness in the midst of hurt, and trust. Trust not in feelings or ideals or a fairy tale, but trust in the One who keeps all vows, loves with a perfect and fierce love, and stands with us in the daily muck and loves us. His love was the model for what true love does and what true love is. His love points us to the source of love and shines a light at all our feeble attempts at love. We may never get it right, but there is One who did and continually does on our behalf.

Love is...

In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 1 John 4:10

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers,
I have trouble I wish wasn't there.

I have asked a thousand ways
that you would take my pain away.

I am trying to understand
how to walk this weary land.

Make straight the paths that crooked lie,
O Lord, before these feet of mine.

When you walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt.

I know you hate to see me cry.
One day you will set all things right. 
One day you will set all things right.

When my world is shaking,
Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking,
I never leave your hands.

Your hands, your hands that shape the world are holding me,
They hold me still.

Your hands that shape the world are holding me,
They hold me still.

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands.

When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands...

-J.J. Heller