Monday, February 27, 2012

Hope, again

Sometimes I get in such a funky mood. I don't want to do anything or talk to anyone or even be anywhere. I'll wander from room to room, picking up things (the watering can, budget materials, keys, coats) and putting them back down some place else. I'll open a book only to close it five minutes later. I'll get out the computer and open up window after window looking for... I have no idea.

I guess the word is restless. I feel restless.

I haven't read my Bible in a few days and I can tell my feet aren't grounded. I feel a little floaty inside, and it manifests itself on the outside too.

Below is a post I wrote almost three years ago. I'm thankful it's still true. I'm thankful that God is always the same, never restless, never changing and we can always hope in HIM.

It started the day we found out Owen was dead.

It will be better in time. You'll have more babies. It gets easier. You're still young, you can have more. Time heals all wounds. 

Everything people offered me was hopeless. Time does not heal. Grief's burden does not get easier to carry. Having a child that lives will in no way replace Owen or take my grief away. Maybe I will never deliver a living child and being young certainly does not guarantee a body that is able to carry a child to term.

I found no hope in their words, all except one.

Jesus loves you. He loves you is what my pastor boldly proclaimed to me at Owen's funeral.

16 months later I am able to say, boldly and without shame,
Yes. Yes, He does. And in this, we have great hope.

I cannot hope in time, for in time more suffering may come. I cannot place my hope in having living children. I cannot hope for a reprieve from suffering on this earth, because I will always be disappointed. If I place my hope in something that is passing, something easily shaken, then when it fails- where will I turn?

But if we place our hope in the Lord, we will never be disappointed because He is unchanging.

And we will have great hope.
Hope that we will never be abandoned. Hope that when everything else is gone, He will never forsake us. Hope that when I leave this earthly home, I have a Heavenly home waiting for me.

Hope that one day...ALL THINGS WILL BE MADE RIGHT.


Beth said...

oh yes. yes to all of this. <3

Katie said...

Beautifully written Ebe! I don't often comment anymore but I'm still reading your beautiful words. In fact, I told my husband this morning how talented and honest and wise your posts are. May God continue to allow you to rest in his hope alone!