Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Union with Christ

For one of his classes Chris asked me to write my thoughts about what union with Christ means to me.

After Owen died but before I was induced to give birth to him, I remember telling my pastor that I wasn't angry. Unable to stop the tears, I cried, "I'm not angry with God. I'm not angry." And it was true. Then.

Weeks passed and the anger came. I didn't understand why this had happened. He was a perfectly healthy baby just 4 weeks from his due date. I struggled with anger at the Lord, disappointment with God, fear that I had done something to incur this suffering. It would take years of struggling with these feelings before I felt the softening of the Holy Spirit's work in my heart. Through the suffering I experienced, I saw the complete faithfulness of the Father and I gained a great awe and appreciation for Christ's work on my behalf. After all, I was seeing sin exploding from my every pore. I railed at God, my Father, stopped worshipping Him at church, stopped praying and instead griped and moaned and questioned Him.

Even after all this, the Holy Spirit still worked in my heart, beckoning me to look to the Father, reminding me of His great love. I was won over. Suffering produced in me an incredible dependence on the Lord without whom I would still be lying on the floor immobilized by grief and anger. I can see now that my suffering showed me who God was, and that I was united to Him by no work or merit of my own. And nothing could separate me from this awesome union.
Praise the Lord.


Beth said...

I love that it's not all up to us -- that the Holy Spirit can still be working in us when we're at our worst/most sinful/most hurt/most rebellious/etc. Your story is such a great testament to His faithfulness! I so appreciate you sharing. <3

Hertley said...

It is like in the poem "Footsteps" We can not walk through this life without ever being carried. The love you feel when you realize you were carried is what gives you strength to keep on walking.

Tesha said...

Beautiful I so need to read that today, thank you....I am not feeling angry right now but very numb, it is a strange feeling. So glad to have found you and be able to read how you handle grief!

SingerMamaMelody said...


I just found your blog through another reader on my blog. Thank you for writing. I can so relate to much of what you're saying as I just lost my baby girl Solveig 5 weeks ago today. She was born still at 33.5 weeks gestation with cord wrapped around her and a true knot in the cord. I'm going to keep reading...

Thank you,