Friday, September 21, 2012

For you and for me

"...Death is at your doorstep, and it will steal your innocence but it will not steal your substance. You are not alone in this.... and you are not alone in this. As (sisters) we will stand and we'll hold your hand. Hold your hand." Mumford & Sons, Timshel

The thing I love about music with lyrics (or without lyrics too) is that we can all hear something so different, and interpret it for ourselves taking away something that encourages us or makes us think.

Mumford & Sons is one of those bands that has a richness in every word they choose. The lyrics of their songs are full of meaning and purpose. For someone who has a 'thing' for words, I love listening to their music. And I love the song Timshel. I can listen to it over and over and over again. Seriously.

When I listen to the words above, I hear a whole community singing to someone who is grieving the death of someone they love. Death has come and it has taken away the one they love. It has stolen so much from them- so much that they can no longer be innocent to the pain of this world... but the community responds with the truth that death can never take our substance, who we are. It cannot steal who we are. Not ever.

For me, that is beautiful. Death separates us for a time, but the ones we have lost here on Earth are still intact. They are still the people they were here. Owen is still Owen in Heaven. And we will have the tremendous joy of seeing our loved ones again and we will never be separated again.
Praise the Lord.

And then the community sings their love to the bereaved: you are not alone in this... you are not alone. We will stand and we'll hold your hand.

Thank you for holding my hand, friends. It is an honor to hold yours.

Monday, September 17, 2012


Feeling overwhelmed with something that I always thought would be a dream, not a reality.

Cinderella dresses and batman capes.

Coming up on Five... not as slowly as I would like.

Propped up in bed at nine o'clock in the morning with my coffee and my writing... the little baby (toddler I should say) still in bed too.

Mornings when the crickets and the birds go silent, and the rain comes lightly down.

Pajamas and red wine at eight thirty after the baby goes down.... an hour later, the both of us wanting to rush in and wake her up to play.

An impromptu middle of the night pajama party because she's only this little for so short a time.

Septembers spent with the windows wide open instead of the air conditioner cranked up on high.

Gluten free blueberry pancakes and scrambled eggs for dinner.

Knowing the presence of Jesus and thankful for His Spirit. Without my firstborn son, I don't know how I could have known the Father this way.

On quiet Fall nights, when everyone is asleep around me, my heart grieves and aches wondering and wishing it could have happened another way. I miss my son Owen.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

A short story

"It is a strange feeling to miss someone you never knew." The little girl sat back on her heels and looked up at her mother.

"Hmmm...." her mother murmured quietly while she delicately threaded the tiny needle through the fabric on her lap.

"I mean, how can you miss someone when you don't know what their voice sounded like? Or what kind of cereal they liked to eat in the mornings?" She took a strand of hair from behind her ear and twirled it playfully with her long fingers. The little girl watched her mother carefully sewing a patch of fabric over the knee of her favorite pair of jeans, and felt even more questions bubble up inside her.

"Or what games they liked to play, or if they liked to run through the woods and get their knees dirty and scratched?" Her mother started to hum a quiet song as the little girl stood up and climbed into the rocking chair beside her. She liked how quickly her mother moved the needle in and out, in and out patching up a tear she had gotten while crawling through the bushes in front of the house.

"Or what books they liked to read, or if..." The little girl stopped and nuzzled her head against her mother's arm, rubbing her face against the warmth of her mother's cotton shirt. A single tear slipped down her face wetting the fabric underneath it.

"Did you know that you and your brother have the same dimple in your chins?" She peeked down at her daughter's face, and smiled gently. "The very same."

"We do?" asked the little girl. She smiled widely at her mother and jumped down out of the chair. "I bet he would of liked playing in the woods and getting dirty, and he probably would have gotten holes in his knees too." The little girl laughed at the thought.

"Yes, my sweet little girl. I'm sure he would have." The little girl's mother finished the patch, made a knot in the thread and snipped the loose ends away. The little girl squealed with delight as her mother handed her back her favorite pair of jeans. She ran quickly back to her room to change while her mother quietly picked up the scraps of fabric around her. A single tear slipped down her cheek but with no one there to see it, she does not dare wipe it away.

Monday, September 10, 2012


"I'm a real boy!" is one of Hannah's new favorite sayings. She loves Gocchi (Pinocchio) a lot.

Fall is right around the corner. We've had our windows open for the past three days. The fresh air makes me feel so happy and makes our apartment feel so clean too.

I made homemade granola for the first time last week, and it was a big hit. It tastes like a healthy cinnamon toast crunch and bonus- it made our whole apartment smell wonderful.

Driving in the rain to get french fries and ice cream at eight pm on a Friday night will in fact prove to be one of the best things we did all week.

I have vacuumed more this week than I have in the last couple of months. Fact.

Fact: These videos are the funniest things I've watched in a looooooooooong time.

I may have written a children's book this week. No, seriously.

Who would have thought that I would have to take away my little girl's Batman and Captain America toys as a consequence for disobeying mommy. Our little girly girl loves her superheroes.

Tuesday mornings are my 'Me Party.' I never would have guessed that I would need a morning a week to myself, but I do and I'm enjoying it.

Hannah Mae is starting to get a little attitude with me, and really, it is disrespectful but every time she huffs "okaaaaaaaay" at me in her little 2 year old voice, I have to work hard to contain my laughter. She's just so cute and sassy, and always has been.

We start Mommy & Me classes tomorrow. I am so excited about it and I think Hannah Mae will really enjoy it too.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Ode to Summer

The last day of summer,
a rainy melody of drums
lifts my spirits and walks us into fall.

Sticky sweet ice cream on a sweet baby girl,
pickles in a breakfast bowl,
guys, superheroes and gray capes.

New music written by my husband,
exploring a new city and 
discovering a new home.

Three calls but not ours yet,
prayers and intercession,
waiting and hoping.

Bandaids with pretend boo boos,
and singing Joy at church.

Beet juice and Tinkerbell,
French fries with mayo and ketchup,
coffee with my papa.

A little girl's first movie,
a fun trip to the ocean
and a belly full of ice cream.

Splashing, swimming, jumping,
3,261 miles on the road
and priceless reconnecting with my love.

So long, farewell, 
auf weidersehen, goodbye
long sweet summertime days.