Sometimes the urge to write is undeniable. And sometimes the impulse to run and hide is impossible to dismiss. It is rare that I feel both at the same time.
I have been taking longer and longer breaks from blogging. But I have not stopped writing. I have just stopped sharing all I write.
Lately I've felt so vulnerable, and so exposed in all I've shared, either in person or in writing, that I've been left feeling very fragile and sensitive. In the past, I've felt that the risk I take in being honest is worth the cost of being exposed, maybe even judged. I still feel that the cost is worth it, because damn it... we are free. And friends, nothing can change that.
I don't know if I can say exactly why I've been feeling so fragile. Maybe it is because we've been trying to add to our family and it is harder than we anticipated. Maybe it is because we are on the edge of moving again, and leaving good friends and a safe place. Maybe it is because where we are isn't really a safe place at all, but it feels safer than the world out there. Maybe it is spiritual warfare which is ever-present, even if we don't feel it at all.
If I'm being honest, which I do try to be, our life is far from perfect. It is not pinterest or facebook worthy most of the time, whatever that means. It is messy and complicated, and we are messy and complicated.
The truth is... it will never be comfortable or glamorous to live as God has called us to live. And if we truly want to love our fellow Christians and our neighbors as well, then we have to get down in the mess and love. And point to the One who can make all the sad things untrue, and remind each other of the beauty of the Gospel that tells us how valued and loved we are. He sees us in the mess of our sins and our brokenness, and he loves us. And he calls us to do the same, no matter the cost.