There are moments when I feel greatly detached from the daily goings on around me. The girls laugh, yell and play at my feet, my husband sits next to me, his hand near mine... and... sadly, there are times I feel like an observer in my own life. Worry, grief, sadness and stress can enclose my heart in a cage where I struggle to feel and hear and see the life happening all around me.
I am not ambivalent to the beautiful girls and the precious husband that I have. I love them so.
But the fear and grief that this broken world has brought us... well, it can threaten to suffocate me. I don't like admitting this, and I wish I didn't have to... but I do.
And not for the reasons you might think.
I don't like admitting all of this, my weaknesses, not because I feel like I should be strong and unflappable and unbroken in this world.
But because there is this line that is drawn in the sand. The line, invisibly bold, that tells us we should boast in our weaknesses because in Him we are strong. But don't be too broken or too weak because it is too scary or too much to deal with; and we are afraid of brokenness. You can't possibly trust in the Lord if you have such brokenness and struggles in your daily life.
The line that tells me if I cross over it- You can't be a pastor's wife if you are this weak.
Can I be a pastor's wife if I am this weak?
In seminary, I had many sleepless nights wrestling with the thoughts and worries, with the lies that I am not cut out for ministry. I am sensitive, prone to worry and anxiety. I have deep wounds that leave me breathless some days.
Since moving to help plant a church, those thoughts and lies have intensified.
I am weak. Obviously and overtly weak. But I am not ashamed that I struggle daily. I am humbled, yes, but not ashamed.
The enemy may love to lie to us. The world may seek to discourage and diminish us because we have been steeped in brokenness. But we have eternity written on our hearts, and our brokenness points us to the unbroken God and unshakeable hope of a day when all things will be made right.
I have weaknesses that would discourage me from living the life that God has called me to live. But those same weaknesses shine a light on my Savior and I am thankful to be reminded that I need him so. He is so sweet to me. It is so sweet to know him better and better, to have deeper relationship with him who made me, who made us all.
He loves us, and sees us. He sees all our brokenness, even if we refuse to see it, or pretend it's not all that bad.
And he loves us not as we should be... but just as we are.