The morning after I wrote this post about not feeling done, I woke up and took a pregnancy test.
I sat and waited in the bathroom, listening to the early morning sounds of my two girls and their daddy in the kitchen making breakfast. I had never used a digital test before, and watching the timer blink was weirding me out a little.
I tried to process what I was feeling.
I found myself praying it was positive, and then I thought, "Am I crazy for wanting it to be positive so badly?"
If you read this blog four years ago, then you'd know that my pregnancy with Hannah was terrifying, and she was born five weeks early because my doctors saw signs that she was beginning to struggle like Owen did before he died. I was a nervous wreck, a basket case the whole pregnancy. After she was born, I honestly felt like pregnancy was something I didn't want to experience again.
When the desire came to have another baby, I knew God was calling us to adopt. As crazy as it may have seemed (and sometimes felt) to adopt during graduate school, we knew it was right. Ruby came to us a year and a half later, and she is our treasure. We are so thankful that God called us to be a part of something so amazing and beautiful. Our experience adopting Ruby and meeting her birthmom was one of the most holy things I've ever been a part of.
And so, it was so very strange that I started to think about pregnancy again last fall. The thoughts, and the desire took me by complete surprise. I started praying about it... late night praying in the dark... pleading for clarity and wisdom... and honestly, asking the Lord to take away this desire if it was not going to happen for us.
And also... I started feeling sorry for myself too. Why did things have to be so hard for us? Why couldn't it just be easy to decide to have children? Why does pregnancy have to be so scary and difficult, and a trigger on top of all that?
Waiting in the bathroom for the test results that morning, all these thoughts and feelings, memories and fears swirled in my head.
And then the test read 'Pregnant'. And then the test read pregnant.
You can probably imagine how excited, nervous, overjoyed and scared we are...
I'm thankful that The Lord has been preparing our hearts for this, though we both had no idea we
would ever have another biological child. These past few months have been so nerve wrecking and exciting. I've been trying to decide when and how to share this happy news and now seems as good a time as any!
Please pray for us. We covet your prayers for peace and for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.