Thursday, May 29, 2014

No longer my only

At 11 weeks I got bloodwork to find out this baby's gender. They said it would likely take 6-10 business days, which meant we had two weeks to wait it out. I had almost convinced myself that this baby was a girl.
But it's not.

Our baby is a boy.
He is due this November. Seven years to the month after I gave birth to my first baby boy.

Typing those sentences out is so surreal. I honestly can't wrap my head around all that I'm thinking and feeling, and I've been oddly quiet about it- which is unusual for me, but I honestly feel like my brain is still processing it all.

One thing that is for sure... I'm ten times more nervous about him now that I know he's a boy. Right after I found out the gender, I told three of my closest friends, and all three responses I got were the same. "What?! Oh my goodness! How are you feeling about this???"

Shocked. Overjoyed. Amazed. Terrified. Thankful. So.freaking.anxious.

Other thoughts and emotions creep in when I start thinking about this baby boy... I don't want Owen to be forgotten... to be left out. He was my first baby. And for years, my only son. I know this is no one's intent, but as his mama I am fiercely protective of his personhood. I feel so thankful because I have not felt as though he's being left out of our family count, but it is a deep fear of mine.

My anxiety for this baby's health and safety slowly ramps up as each day, each week passes. I know
most women feel calmer and safer as they reach each pregnancy milestone and enter the second and
third trimesters, but this is not true for me. Honestly, I'm envious and I wish it was.

I carried Owen the longest. He was stillborn at 36 weeks 1 day.
Hannah was born a week earlier, at 35 weeks 3 days.

There is never a moment I feel safe during pregnancy. And rarely a moment I feel calm. My only option is to keep moving forward, praying and rejoicing and falling on my knees remembering who is in control... remembering in whose arms this baby boy is safe.

So I guess that's where I am now. Vacillating between fear and excitement. Joy and anxiety.

When I was pregnant with Hannah Mae I literally (as much as I tried and tried) could not imagine what having a living baby after pregnancy was like. I could not imagine taking her home.

It's a bit different this pregnancy...
I can imagine bringing this baby home. I can picture two big sisters with their little brother.
I can imagine a happy ending and I pray for it every day.


Anne said...

My friend Susanna asked me to read your blog (we did YWAM together) because we have similar stories.
I am so sorry that you lost your sweet little boy. My heart hurts for you. I know your heart hurts.
We lost identical twin boys 11 years ago and it still hurts my heart and nothing will ever take their place. They died from a very rare genetic disease ( a 1 in 100,000 chance that you will marry someone with the same mutated gene and a 25% chance that the two of you will have a baby with it). We have since had 3 healthy children. But I know each pregnancy is so beyond scary. Those words don't even do the emotions justice. I would sit in the specialist chair getting the ultrasound and my entire body would shake. Then they would tell us that everything was okay and I would cry and cry. We had to wait till 18 weeks to find out if the baby we would carry and give birth to, would stay with us. It was grueling. I understand that fear you feel. It's absolutely terrible. I will be praying that you have nothing but peace throughout your pregnancy and The Father would help you process having a little boy. Our last is a little boy and I never ever look at him and compare him to his identical brothers. I will think "what would it be like to have two of them around." But that is all I do. Your two little boys will have different places in your heart. I promise. If you wanted to read our story, it is on our blog. The latest post is for their 11th birthday, which was a couple of weeks ago.

Sara said...

So beautiful Ebe... Owen is such a special part of your family... always will be:) I know the emotions fully and I know the fear... praying for you so often Ebe that the Lord would draw you closer to himself and that you can fully rest in HIM... and that He miraculously will fill you with some comfort and peace in HIs plans for this precious little guy!!! Love you!