Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Out of body experience

Ever since the first week of March when I got that first (of two) positive pregnancy test, I've been feeling a bit like I'm having an out of body experience. I remember feeling this way when we brought Ruby home from the hospital- and how it lasted months and months and months. Is this our life? Do we really have two daughters?

Except now I'm thinking to myself, Am I really pregnant again? Am I really having another boy?
Late last week I was lying on the couch after the girls had gone to bed, and I felt this small tap tap in my lower abdomen... the unmistakable kick of a baby. I smiled and told Chris that I felt him move, and then I started to cry. I really never thought I would feel a baby move inside me again... or that I would experience the beauty of pregnancy again.

I spent more hours than I'd like to admit reading through old blog posts tonight. I started reading back in November of 2009... when I was 16ish weeks pregnant with Hannah Mae. I am now 16 weeks pregnant with our baby boy. I needed to go back and remember what it was like to be pregnant with her (not that I had really forgotten).
I kept reading, and I read the next four and a half years worth of blog posts, because I just couldn't stop reading. Reading the anxiety ridden words during HM's pregnancy, and then the relief and joy at her birth, the words of an exhausted new mom who had no idea that her fears would continue well beyond pregnancy.... on and on I read.

I was such a broken record during those pregnant months with HM. I was SO anxious. I was terrified. I had so much time on my hands too, because I was no longer working and I had no children in my home to look after. I obsessed over every little thing and I freaked out all the time. I didn't feel like I could trust myself or my body to know what was normal... especially towards the end.
To top off an anxiety/fear filled pregnancy, her birth was not what I expected. I remember so clearly how severely disappointed I was in my body that she too was born small and early... that she too struggled in my body. I remember what adamance I had about not wanting to experience another pregnancy because I felt so betrayed by my body. 

This pregnancy is so different in a lot of ways, as I have two children in my care each day. I have two small people who follow me around, watch me take my twice daily shots, fight and play with each other, and fight and play with me. We are busy, even if at the end of the day I have nothing to show for it... nothing except a messy house and two amazing and sleepy baby girls tucked into their beds. 
Generally I have less time to worry, but I still worry. Oh, I still obsess... but I am thankful (as I told someone the other day, who then laughed with the truth of it) that I've only had three panic attacks this pregnancy. I know it could be many, many more. 

Most of the time, I don't feel like I'm at the edge of a cliff with anxiety... like I did with Hannah Mae's pregnancy. This time it is more of a dull, constant ache of anxiety. I am worried. I am scared. But I am hopeful. This time I know what it is like to take a baby home from the hospital, what it's like to experience all the joys of motherhood after pregnancy. I can imagine what I only dared to dream about when I was pregnant with Hannah Mae.

I am still a broken record this pregnancy: I am worried. I am scared. But I am hopeful too.

Some of my favorite pictures lately...

A sweet new friend is an amazing photographer and she asked us to be her models. We loved it!

Easter Sunday 2014

It is still the little things about having living children that mean the most to me. I love reading to them, singing with them, and cuddling after bath time. Rocking my girls in our rocking chair is so precious to me. I love picking them up after church in the nursery and seeing their sweet faces as they run up to me. I treasure tucking them in bed each night and rubbing their chubby faces, telling them how precious they are to me. Oh, they are so precious to me.

1 comment:

Sara said...

Such precious pictures of the girls. Praying for you Ebe... I can't imagine what it is like for you being pregnant again... so hard and so wonderful!:) Love you friend:)