Hannah Mae and Ruby love him so much. HM wants to be with him all the time and tells him what a cute baby he is everytime she talks to him. She leaned against my shoulder this morning as I was nursing him and sighed "I'm so glad Cooper is here." Ruby pats him everytime she walks by (she is a seriously busy little girl) and says "Hi, baby!"
There is so much to say about all that happened last week, but the short story is that God knew. He was ever present and He knew exactly all the details, and "he is before all things and in him all things hold together".
I had a regularly scheduled doctors appointment to check his umbilical cord flow by ultrasound
followed by a NST (I did this twice a week) last Tuesday. He didn't pass either test. The pressure of blood flow in his cord had changed for the worse and he had a non reactive stress test.
The doctor came in, smiled a little and sighed. She asked me when I had eaten last. I told her lunch and asked why? She said, "Because were going need to deliver him today. His dopplers are changing and he needs to come out." I immediately started bawling... much like when this happened with Hannah except I was much more relieved this time as I had expected from the beginning of my pregnancy that we would face this situation again.
This entire pregnancy I've been waiting to hear that he was struggling, not growing and I have been tense and stressed for months, especially as we neared and then surpassed the time gestationaly that Hannah Mae was born and then the gestation that Owen died. 36 weeks 3 days... the longest I've ever been pregnant. Also, at 5lbs 5oz, he's the biggest baby I've had. Owen and Hannah were both 4lbs.
I've been on edge wondering and hoping and praying that if he started to struggle like Hannah did, that the doctors would catch it. That he would be born before what happened to Owen could even have the chance of happening again. God knew.
And so we were sent straight to the hospital. I asked about getting a bag from home, and the doctor shook her head no and said, "Just go straight there." And so we did. Chris hadn't been to a single doctors appointment in months and months but last Tuesday he was able to come. God knew.
Earlier that day, I was home alone with the girls and had a physical and emotional breakdown. I laid down on the girls bedroom floor and cried out. "I can't do this any longer."
A couple of hours later, my mom called and asked if I was ready for her to come and help out (I had been having really bad nerve pain and it was really painful to walk around). I broke down crying again, answered yes, and then asked her when she was coming. She paused and then said, "I'm about an hour away." God knew.
She got to our place at about 2pm, and at 4pm Chris and I headed out to the doctors appointment with the girls happy and safe at home. God knew.
We went to bed that night holding our precious Cooper in our arms.
It is amazing... so amazing to look at the last week, to see God's hand so clearly. God knew... and though I had such weak faith, such fear and worry and doubt, God was still so very faithful and abundantly generous in mercy and grace to us.
We are so thankful. Praise The Lord for this sweet little boy, who reminds us so very much of our first little boy... who is never far from our thoughts. We are so grateful for all of our children...
the ones in our arms and the ones just beyond reach.