Thursday, April 30, 2015

This parenting thing

These days with three kids... many weeks pass by with such urgency... get the two year old up before she starts screaming, make breakfast, drink coffee, fix ten snacks, get everybody dressed, drink coffee, change two diapers, make the grocery list, run to the store, get the diapers washed and hung up to dry, drink coffee, pick up the toys scattered on the floor, throw in a load of laundry, eat eat eat, vacuum all the crumbs night after night, three songs, a prayer, tuck into bed, lights out, and count the hours in my head until the baby will wake to eat, and start the day all over again.

It isn't only the daily tasks, the sheer work load of raising three kids that is draining. It isn't just that I don't sit idle or rest at all anymore. It isn't how my house is never clean anymore, or that I spent most of my time making food and then cleaning it up.

It is the constant worry.... Am I listening enough? Am I paying attention? Am I present with them right now? Do they know I love them even when I get impatient and grumpy and frustrated? Am I generous with my time and energy and emotions?

Is it enough? Is it enough??

Am I enough?

Our precious five year old has started to worry about things. She fixates on something and asks over and over if a feeling or a thought will go away. She asks why she needs to go potty all the time. She
worries that her hands will always feel sticky. She looks at me, eyes wide and teary, and asks why she worries about everything all the time. I cry with her, knowing deep down this struggle she feels.

I worry too.

Today before rest time, we read Matthew 6 together. I let the words wash over me... like a fetter I felt my heart anchor to the truth. Why do I worry all the time?

Because I forget Jesus.
Because I forget so easily what is true, what is real, what will never change.

This parenting thing? It is more than I ever dreamed.
It is more work, more tiring, more rewarding, more worry filled, more amazing than I could have

My heart has doubled... it has tripled, and it is bigger each day as it grows to hold all the love, all the worry, all the desires I have for these precious babies the Lord has given us.

I feel stretched in ways I didn't think I could be stretched, and I am called every day to trust the Lord in ways I don't want to... in ways I thought I could leave behind when we finally brought our precious 4 lb baby home from the hospital.
I thought the worry, the questioning, the doubt and fear would fall away after we brought Hannah Mae home after 35 weeks of stress and fear. But it hasn't. It hasn't, and it is a daily battle.

Oh, my heart. But He is enough.

He is enough. His Word is enough. His atonement is enough. His grace is enough. He is enough. 

He is enough. 

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