After Owen died, we went into survival mode. There weren’t very many plans made or at least none that I made. I had no energy for anything except my grief. We lived, breathed and ate our grief. It was everywhere and in everything; in the clear blue skies outside our window, the sounds of children playing down the street, the grocery store. Nothing was innocuous. Everything was a reminder of what was lost.
I’m not going to say it was the right way to do things or that we were wrong either. It was just the way we chose to grieve. I’m not even really sure it was a conscious choice, but it was how we did things nonetheless. God has been gracious to us in our grieving, no matter if it was right or wrong. Seven years and eight months later, we are growing in grace, in acceptance and healing. But complete healing and acceptance won’t come until Jesus comes back and because of this we grieve as well. We have to wait.
This is our Father’s world and one day, he will renew all things here. He will make all things right.
After Owen died it was hard for me to care about anything. I just wanted to be with my baby. Honestly, I just wanted to die too. A year after his death and after losing two more precious ones to miscarriage, I started writing here. Writing on this blog has been so cathartic for me, so healing. I have felt my hands loosen around the dream of what could have been, and have let my heart feel the hope of what is to come. As the years have passed, some slowly and painfully, and others rather quickly, I have begun to see this living as more than just a waiting. There is still waiting- waiting for our Jesus to come back- but there is so much more to living. Living means we still have a purpose on this earth. A mission...
But what is the mission? Doing good things? Being good people? I am thankful it is so much more than that... making known who God is as we know Him better and deeper, and caring about what God cares about. His people, His creation, His glory. Praise the Lord he is so abounding in patience, in mercy, in faithfulness, and in love. He will never abandon us, never let us go. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. In the dark, scary, unknown places we can trust him... oh, the hope we have.