I'm currently sitting on the couch with my feet propped up, trying to relax...but I'm 36 weeks 3 days pregnant, and I'm entering into unchartered territory.
I've never been this pregnant before.
Honestly, I don't know what to do with myself. I keep making lists and organizing, and folding little baby girl clothes, and remaking lists and crossing things off, and generally pacing and driving myself crazy.
Wednesday afternoon is my scheduled c-section. I'll be just hours shy of 37 weeks pregnant. Our precious Elliot is still doing well, growing like she should be growing, and rolling around and about. The last two ultrasounds I've had have shown that she's almost in the 50th percentile and has a head full of hair. This is by far the most normal and boring pregnancy I've ever had.
Honestly, again, I don't know what to do with myself.
I feel like all my edges are electric and raw. I feel overwhelmed and overstimulated. My mind is not a safe place and I can't trust my thoughts right now. I know that sounds awful and unhealthy, but this is what it's like to have PTSD from a late term pregnancy loss, and have to re-enter into all the triggers of the last few days before delivery.
Ellie was such a surprise, and the last seven and a half months have been steeped in so much uncertainty and anxiety, but she is our bright shining light by which the Lord has shown us such tenderness and goodness. She is a treasure and we're so thankful for her.
Pregnancy is a time when what I say and believe about needing to be truly dependent on grace gets tested. My nerves are fried and I feel so fragile. I know I am weak and incapable on my own. I could get caught up in pride and ego so easily and not want to admit that this shit is hard. It is one of the hardest things I've ever done. There is not a day that goes by that I don't struggle with anxiety and fear so palpably that I could actually wrap my arms around it. But still, I could hide it. Most of my anxiety and panic attacks are internal.
But I believe it is when we are weak that we get the biggest glimpses of who the Lord is and who we really are in Him. And so I boast in my weaknesses. I boast in my inability because it draws me nearer and nearer to Him, our saving grace. And I want others to see Him in this way. It is such a gift.
He is a capable and strong Savior who longs for us to come to Him. He is a gentle and merciful Father who loves us with an unending love. He is a kind and powerful Lord who holds us all in His mighty hands.
As I sit here waiting impatiently for Ellie Beth's birth, I can't help but think of all the worst case scenarios and fear something happening to her.
The only thing that stills my anxious heart is remembering who He is and who He's always been...
my good, good Father.