Waiting For the Day

This is a blog post written four years ago, explaining the title of my blog:

I have been pregnant three times...

I have said goodbye to three precious babies.

My first born, Owen, died at 36 weeks gestation. He was so perfect, so tiny and beautiful. Just one month before his due date, he was gone. Some days, I'm still in shock that he died.
My second little one was diagnosed a cornual ectopic pregnancy at 7-8 weeks, five months after Owen died.
My third tiny blessing was my sunshine, miscarried at 6.5 weeks, four days after big brother Owen's first birthday.

This is journal entry I wrote two days before I miscarried my little sunshine, about two and a half weeks ago. My explanation for the title of this blog:
Well, I guess God knows what He's doing. I really really hope He does. It's so scary and hard to trust Him. After Owen died, it was like I didn't even know Him at all. I felt picked on, like He intentionally pulled me out of the crowd and took my baby long before Owen's life should have ended. I don't know if that makes any sense...

Everyday, I have to pray to God for help trusting Him. Trusting that He cares about me, loves me and knows what's best. Trusting that He's sovereign and in control is difficult, but it also gives me so much comfort, knowing that I didn't do anything wrong and it wasn't my fault that Owen died or our little baby chipmunk. Grief is exhausting....and the much needed rest I desire is difficult.

Pregnant again. I've put myself out 'there' again, knowing full well that babies die everyday. Children don't make it to adulthood and parents bury their children. The question I had to ask myself (and now, I have to remind myself of my decision): am I going to let the fear of what could happen dictate how I live, change my desire to have dozens of children?
I can't do that. I HAVE to risk loss, in order to have the joy and love and wonder that comes with having living children. I realize everyone does this when they involve themselves with other people through marriage, friendship and having children. I know the ultimate loss and I have made a conscious and scary decision to have another baby....knowing that one day, this child will die. When....that is up to God.

This is so hard. I wish I was innocent and naive again, unfortunately I live everyday knowing that the worst could happen. I live with this reality...it is a friend called grief.

O.k. So, here I am. Left to wonder 'what did I DO wrong? Is this punishment? Is this a reaction to something I've done or haven't done? and the all encompassing WHY ME???'

Just because I struggle with these things...just because I feel them so strongly DOES NOT mean they are true. I don't believe God is reactive or a God who punishes. Not since Jesus came to make all things right with God...

So, I'm waiting...waiting for the day when all things will be made right.
It is right now...but not yet.